You're Costing My Mom a Fortune in Overage Fees!
This is my life in text messages
(These may or may not have been transcribed into my own words)
*[Players: Snark, Snark's ex-boyfriend that thinks she is a.) Trash, b.) Crazy, and c.) a Democrat]
He said: what up
(This is where I think that I'm having a fucking terrible nightmare and I should stop watching American Justice before I go to bed.)
I said: i haven't heard from you in six monthsi want my stuff backwhat are you, drunk?
i'm in los angeles
I'm also retarded; neither of us said it, both of us thought it. And this brilliant exchange was followed up by a phonecall, because why harmlessly text when you can lace every word with disdain and utter disgust? Obviously I answered. In this half hour conversation, he made a few things very clear. He's embarrassed about the time he told me that I turned him off to "goth girls" who are "musically oriented". (The word "genre" was thrown around a lot, and apparently Minor Threat is what he's been missing all his life.) And he hasn't gotten laid since that last time I gave it up.
*[Players: Snark, Snark's buddy whom she texts because he totally wants to bone her and she likes the attention.]
I said: hey hows your day
He said: no i will not go out with you
[Players: Snark, Snark's really awful 49 night stand that she never wants to think about again]
He said: whats poppin sexy?
I said: you're white
He said: what?
I said: nothing.
He said: wanna kick it tonight?
I said: I HAVE A CRAZY HOT BOYFRIEND AND YOU CAN'T TRICK ME INTO DOING IT TO YOU ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I said: also, you are a creep
Classy and articulate.
So here's what you should know before you start texting me. I seriously do not want to go out with you. Bluff dumps don't work when you're not dating, sucker! And Minor Threat is not the way to my deliciously sexy panties -- and take Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper" off repeat, because I know how you really are.
I will start accepting texts again from any or all of these guilty parties if they grow any or all of the following
- a brain
- a sense of humor
- a fucking backbone
Here is one more, just for good measure, because I can even induce inappropriate Thundercat reactions from my very best friend.
*[Players: Snark, Snark's best friend/other ex-boyfriend:]
He said: i love you
I said: i love you too
He said: YOU JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BUNCH OF BABIES AND SNARF, SNARF, DOUBLE SNARF, SNARF.
I'm so transparent.
P.S. I'll be in Los Angeles until Saturday now instead of Thursday. What can I say, the fast food here is incredible and Latinos love me.
In other news, I sort of feel like this redheaded crockydile today:
*i joke with total affection (except for that one that's not affectionate at all), so don't blow up my comments with a bunch of snarfs
5 comments:
You are going to go very far in this blogosphere peep. I totally need you to post more texts, those were hilarious!
Can I forward my incoming texts to you so you can help me fend off exes/#-night stands/that guy from the gas station?
I'm really good at scaring them far, far away. SO go ahead with the forwarding, I guess. Except the gas station guy...that guy never stops texting.
Woah, did you just accuse me of being dumb, not funny and a coward all in one post? If I was any smarter I'd come up with historical precedent to punch you out. Unless you wre just kidding, 'cause I certainly can't decipher nuanced stuff like humor. Also I would never punch you because I am terrified of the potential response...
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